When I called my mother tonight, she called me: "lamb." It triggered me. There's an old saying: "A lamb spends her whole life fearing the wolves, and gets eaten in the end by the shepherd." The outside world is isn't that scary. The real danger is my mother. Or am I delusional?
I'm financially dependent on my mother and she controls my life. For example, I want to sell my artwork at the Fountain House art gallery but she tells me I can't have more than 2,000 dollars in the bank because I'll lose my SNAP Foodstamps. How will I ever get independent then?
I need to remind myself: what is my mother's motivation to keep me financially dependent? Why would she keep me a man-child and make me waste time? To sabotage my life? What's her endgame besides sadistic torture? Is there anything in it for her? She is my mother after all.
My conspiracy theory is a rockstar is my REAL biological father and my mother sadistically tortures me to get vengeance on my father. Even if that's false, maybe I was caught in the middle of my parent's feud. They harmed me to harm each other. In the end, I'm unloved and sick.
My mother might unknowingly want to keep herself as a child and projects that onto me. When I was growing up, she wanted me to remain a little boy. She didn't want me to grow up or lose control. So she continued to baby me. It resulted in lost time. I'm still dependent on her.
It's really difficult being 33-years-old and being treated as if you're still a baby by mommy. In her eyes, I'm not a man. There's no end to this nightmare in sight. My solution is S.O.S. cries for help online that will instantaneously transform me into a "rockstar."
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