Some Posts (02 02 2021)

I get really scared when it's late at night, cold and windy. I've been alone and indoors all day. I'm depressed and frightened. The gym and friends distract me from these feelings.

The snow can be beautiful. Nature is beautiful. But shoveling is strenuous, annoying, I hate doing it. I also hate being confined to the indoors. I want to go to the gym and see my friends. Sadly, snow shuts down my life for a few days. I wish it hasn't snowed this much.

For most of my life, I have been deprived of meaningful socialization. I started to make some progress with friends in NYC from August 2019 to March 2020. Then with COVID-19, my boredom has become INTENSE. It seems life is nonstop pain and suffering. When will it get better?!

I need to accept there's no undercover celebrity, major motion picture company, I'm not going to become a Hollywood superstar. That's a delusional fantasyland daydream.

Stick to grounded in reality REAL WORLD jobs, like peer specialist at the psychosocial clubhouse. Help people.

It's possible to get discovered from the internet. I made four-panel drawings where I made Dr. Phil out to be my therapist and the show contacted me about being on. But even that, did they lose interest because they were disturbed and horrified by my social media account?

Although the internet has led to positive things happening. The internet has resulted in the wrong kind of attention numerious times. If I'm daydreaming about superstardom, then I'm leaving myself vulnerable to psychopathic cyberbullies harming me. That's not funny, that's scary.

I daydream positive people are viewing my posts and I'm in a simulation by a major motion picture company or undercover celebrity. It's a prank and I'm already rich and famous. The truth is I might be horrifically sabotaged and harmed by a psychopathic cyberbully very soon.

It is self-defeating to imagine I'm already a rich and famous Hollywood superstar. Why would I want to work as a peer specialist in the real world when I'm about to become an epic "rockstar"?! I'm a talented artist and posting on social media exposes me, but it fuels delusions.

Hypothetically speaking, if I was on the Dr. Phil show. Would they be interested in actually helping me? Or would they want to make me a sensational freakshow for entertainment purposes to make money? It might be funny and lead to exposure for my artwork, but would it be good?

There's a book I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by, Joanne Greenberg. In it, she's a God of a magical fantasyland. The doctor said to give up the daydream world, he doesn't promise the real world will be peaches and cream, but she'll never have a life if you don't live there.

The fantasyland brings on frustration when it doesn't come to fruition. The real would give me self-esteem and satisfaction. I don't realize it yet, but the real world is better than a delusional daydream world. Real-world life experiences are great, daydreaming about them sucks.

My goal is to leave the house, meet friends, get independent because the real world is much more fun than daydreaming about something that will likely never happen. Don't stay alone in my head all day long. Smile at people, say "hello" to them in REAL LIFE. Then I'll be happier!

I find artwork to be cathartic and therapeutic. I feel validated, heard, it lets off frustrations. I'm talented. Yes, posting my artwork on social media exposes me to the world, but it fuels delusions that I'm going to become rich and famous. It's like a daydream fantasyland.

Many posts I make on social media are a performance. It's like a professional wrestling or comic book character. My personality with the volume turned way up. Sensational and exaggerated. If I want to be taken seriously in the real world, lose The Joker gimmick, and be myself.