Comedy College jokes - Session 3

Presently working at a supermarket

Simply a stock clerk
Not a manager
I have no power
Just want to get through my day and go home
I was working on an end
A customer from another country asked how much for the canned soup
The sign clearly says $1.00
He tries negotiating a lower price - 75 cents - as if I have the ability to change the rules
It's a corporation, I can't change the price
Then he had a cart full of 20 soups
He asked: is there a limit?
The sign says 4
He yells "why only four?"
I'm not Mr. Supermarket
I can't change the rules
I just want to go home and not get harassed

Has anybody ever been to New York City?
Used the subway?
New Yorkers are impatient
They want perfection
When I swipe my subway card I'm like Mr. Bean
A buffoon
I swipe - rejected
Again - rejected
Everybody, all around he is getting accepted on the first try
New Yorkers are cursing at me
Changing lines
It's so embarrassing

Has anybody ever been to movie theater concession stands?
Everything is so overpriced
A bottle of water that would cost $1.00 in the supermarket
Costs $5.00
How do you know you're in the middle class?
My parents would try to sneak in supermarket candy and beverages into the theater
And refused to buy the overpriced popcorn

I was watching TikTok
I know TikTok is the Chinese government spying on, and gathering info on Americans
From their dancing videos
I was watching some middle-aged man say YOUR MOTHER IS YOUR BEST FRIEND
Not your girlfriend, wife, or friends... your mother
It's unconditional, true love
All the comments were saying how it's so inspirational.
A beautiful message

I'm thinking this guy is too attached to his mother
Has Oedipus complex
I wonder what the Chinese government thought

Some people say true love doesn't exist
Does the supermodel truly love the billionaire CEO
Or is she using him for his money?
Does the billionaire CEO love the supermodel?
Or is he using her for her looks?
Some people say true love doesn't exist
Some people say unconditional love doesn't exist
I disagree!
Yes, the relationship is a facade...
But the billionaire truly loves himself
He unconditionally loves himself
It exists in the form of narcissism

Now it's time for some jokes that might get me assaulted
Why do fans feel like they can assault a comedian if they get offended?
Dave Chapelle
Will Smith / Chris Rock
I'm going to make JOKES
Please don't attack me
I want to go home in a good mood tonight

Has anybody heard about Roe vs Wade?
I know, obscure news nobody has heard anything about
Well, they are abolishing it
It's like my superhero movies
A Joker origin story
A mother will want an abortion
But can't get one
So she'll torture her child
Then when he grows up he'll be a Batman villain
Just kidding
Superhero movies are sensational fantasy
In the real world, he'll just be some kid who grew up in Levittown with an abusive and neglectful mother
Then when he acts mischievous politicians will send thoughts and prayers

Did anybody see the Vladimir Putin "if I was your mother video?"
She sincerely thought the message was powerful and inspirational
Vladimir Putin... If I was your father, I'd raise you to be a soy boy
You'd be powerless, passive, and submit to everyone
And the world would be a better place
Because you wouldn't be a power-hungry maniac

Some people are so pro-Republican
Others are so pro-Democrat
That they lose sight of...
Were Donald Trump and Joe Biden really the best and brightest the United States has to offer?
Trump lost the election because he's a power-hungry narcissist
But we elected Grandpa Simpson from the Simpsons?
An old man with dementia
He belongs in the nursing home, not the oval office
Any honors student from a university is more fit for the presidency
With a little on-the-job training, they can do a better job
Even I can deliver a better public speech
Seriously, his cognitive functioning isn't all there
Is he a puppet?
Maybe whoever is controlling the teleprompter is the president
Maybe it's like North Korea and he's delivering speeches under duress.
He has to listen to the man behind the teleprompter
It sounds like a James Bond villain


____
An idea I might scrap:
I was going to act like I didn't understand how the portrayal of Italian Americans in the media is sensational entertainment (The Sopranos and Jersey Shore)
Just kidding
Everybody knows Italians aren't in the mafia
They can still take a joke