November 13, 2021:
Post 01:
A pimple popped and started bleeding after my shower. Open, bloody cut which I touched with city hands. Is this an HIV risk?
I really did start to bleed and touched it with my hands. Just let it go. HIV would be dead. It doesn't live outside the body.
Post 02:
Maybe I need to go to an OCD support group. Talk with people who can help. These contamination fears are a real nightmare. They're ruining my life. I need a sponsor. Somebody with a similar issue that we can talk about the absurdity with. Talking to my mom about it is unhealthy.
November 14, 2021:
Post 01:
Now my mom and stepdad want to come to my comedy show, but they want to wait outside until I come on stage to come inside. I told them: just stay home. Comedy requires complete focus and no distractions. If I'm worried about them I can't perform. I'm already getting anxious.
Post 02:
I've been working hard on these jokes for months, I'd like my mom and stepdad to see me shine. They didn't want to be inside the comedy club for health reasons - and that's fine. But if they're going to wait outside, then make a big raucous when I come out, just stay home.
Post 03:
It's like my mother wants my comedy show to be about her. She has to make the grand entrance. It would make me so anxious too. I need to be confident, completely focused on my act on the big day. If she won't watch the whole show, it's best she doesn't come.
Post 04:
I need to completely concentrate on my standup comedy act, have nothing else in my mind. I can't be worried about: "is my mother ok?" I wanted my mother to be proud. Have her witness me shining. But she isn't helping, she's making it about her, which will ruin my confidence.
Post 05:
My mother didn't want to come to my comedy show. But I let her know how hurtful that was, it's like she doesn't care about my success or accomplishments. So now she's coming but has all these conditions. She'll make a scene, which will distract me, and mess up my act. STAY HOME!
Post 06:
Yesterday, acne popped and really started to bleed. I touched it with gross NYC hands. Is this a contamination or HIV risk? Let it go. I'm never going to get HIV. I'm not reckless. It's an OCD broken record that tortures me.
Post 07:
My psychopharmacologist, who is the best in the business and a research doctor, replied to my text about my mega regimen of meds giving me cancer, saying:
"It's the other way round Andrew. Inflammation from untreated disorder switches off tumor surveillance check it outbreak"
Basically, my psychopharmacologist is saying research suggests the psychiatric medications PREVENT cancer. When you're sick with mental illness, your body is inflamed, and THAT is how you get cancer.
I'm a little skeptical, though. Antipsychotics seem so unnatural, like a toxin.
Post 08:
How you dress and look is very important. If you look like a slob, people are going to treat you like a slob. How should I dress for my comedy performance Wednesday? I'm thinking about wearing a nice pair of blue jeans and a sweater, to look handsome, wholesome, but also casual.
Post 09:
I'd often say: "nobody cares about me" when it came to friends. Now I see, I REALLY wanted my parents to take a genuine interest in me, to compliment me when I succeeded. Instead, they scold me like I'm the bane of their existence and make everything about themselves. Accept it!
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