November 9, 2021:
Post 01:
At the gym, a kid was using the mop in the bathroom then rinsed his hands while I was using the sink next to him. Water splattered while he was rinsing. I'm afraid the mop, his hands, were all contaminated. There I go again. Same broken record. It's not how you get HIV. Let it go.
Post 02:
Letting out my HIV, OCD, contamination fears to people like my mother, eases the anxiety and obsessing. Then I'm able to move on, until the same broken record repeats again, but just with a different scenario. It's a fear of being contaminated and having no friends forever.
Post 03:
Sometimes I'm unable to see the irony of my posts until after. Yesterday, I expressed how I'm reluctant to hang out with some people in the mental health community who have severe mental illnesses because I'm afraid of them.
People have left parties because they're afraid of ME.
Post 04:
Although I have schizoaffective disorder, I'm the nicest person you'd ever meet. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately, it's like I'm wearing the damaged scarlet letter. Some "normal" people see me and become horrified. They don't want to be around me because they're afraid.
Post 05:
At a party, I overheard a woman I'm unfamiliar with, who just arrived, saying she wanted to leave because she was disturbed by me. Then overheard my "friend" reassuring her I'm no threat because he can "knock me out with one punch." She left almost immediately after arriving.
November 10, 2021:
Post 01:
I have a weird problem while performing, sometimes somebody or something will distract me, then I'll lose concentration or focus. It can be somebody watching my performance from audience or something weird I focus on. If this happens, don't think about it, tune it out, and FOCUS.
Post 02:
At comedy last night, I was performing PERFECTLY, then I noticed a woman was looking at me. All I could focus on was her looking at me. She's very nice and wasn't heckling me, but I found it distracting, then my act fell apart. On my big day next week, FOCUS ON THE PERFORMANCE!
Post 03:
I now see why hecklers can be so distracting to stand-up comics. Comedy requires a lot of concentration and focus. You need to think in order to perform. If you're focused on someone or something in the audience, instead of your act, you can't deliver the lines correctly.
November 11, 2021:
Post 01:
I don't have a supportive family. They're neglectful, let me do anything I want, and don't care. Take comedy for example, I've been working hard for months. The show means a lot to me. I want family to support me. But they come up with every excuse in the book not to come.
Post 02:
My mother doesn't want to be bothered with me, pretends I don't exist, treats me like a child, looks at me like I'm the bane of her existence. I suffered for years as a "loser." She doesn't care about my recent success. She simply doesn't care about me. I can't make her care.
Post 03:
Even if my parents did bully me intentionally, it wasn't a crime what they did. There's going to be no supreme court case. I'm not going to put my parents in jail. The delusions that they're torturers is like a metaphor. The pain and suffering I lived through feels like torture.
Post 04:
There were many times my parents SHOULD'VE had an intervention for me. For example, when I was running marathons every single day for about five years while starving myself. Why were they willfully blind to that? I could have died. They only did something once I became delusional.
Post 05:
I think my internet posts are going to ultimately turn into something positive. THANK GOD! But I needed an intervention from my parents. They pretend to be unaware, willfully blind, while I was pouring my life down the drain, deprived of a life, posting online for years.
Post 06:
I often blame my mother, say she was keeping me as a child intentionally to torture me. Depriving me of friendships, girlfriends, money, independence, emasculating me, torturing me. This is what it felt like. But it's just a metaphor. My mother isn't a sadistic torturer criminal.
Post 07:
I'm getting riled up about my parents, am so emotionally charged, now I'm starting to get delusions they sadistically tortured me for my entire life, sabotaging me, trying to murder me. Secretly infecting me with HIV. There I go again. I have parent issues, but it's a metaphor.
Post 08:
I couldn't assert myself to my parents, was forced to remain a passive, emasculated adult child in his thirties. Remember this wasn't intentional torture. Intent is the key word.
Lately, I am so fed up. I'm going to change my life for the better. I'll become rich and famous.
Post 09:
Then the fantasy, daydreams, internalized rage at my parents evolve even more. I imagine: "why did my parents sadistically torture me?" Remember it's delusional, it wasn't INTENTIONAL... "Was it because a millionaire or billionaire is my REAL biological father? I'm just a pawn."
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