Post 01:
This morning at Starbucks the barista dropped a coffee cup by the garbage, picked it up, threw it out, then made my drink without washing her hands. She was touching my lid, her hand got in my coffee. It was very gross, but I decided to drink it. Is this a contamination risk?
Post 02:
Grandma and Grandpa used to say with their Great depression mentality, if food is gross, "kiss it up to God" then eat it. God will clean it and protect you. I'm not saying I believe in magical thinking, but I shouldn't worry so much about food and drink being HIV contaminated.
Post 03:
I'm going into NYC today. To be honest, I hate going into NYC, especially now since it's so dangerous. But my BFF lives there and we have fun. It's just so dirty and unsafe.
I've had the most fun of my life with her, going outside comfort zone... But in a way, want to stay home.
Post 04:
I hate being in dangerous situations, so I avoid everything, even safe situations. My BFF is pushing me, helping me get outside my comfort zone, I'm having the most fun of my life with her... But I have bad anxiety and want safety. I don't want to take risks, it stresses me out.
Post 05:
I often say in therapy that I don't think about childhood bullying anymore. I've moved on. Dr. Natural thinks I do constantly, it's just disguised as other things - like my fear of the real world.
It's twenty years ago, but still affects me, even though I don't realize it.
Post 06:
I learned to want to be alone. Safe and sound. Hiding from bullying. Protected at home with mommy... But I was frustrated by the solitude, pouring my life down the drain. Living in a fantasy land. I still have anxiety and want to avoid the real world.
Post 07:
I walked by my bed wearing my city shoes before leaving for NYC. I Lysol disinfected them a week ago, which was the last time I wore them...
But I walk barefoot by my bed at night. Might've slightly stepped on my blanket. Let it go. HIV would be dead by now. It's ok. No danger.
Post 08:
Ahhhhh. I just dropped my phone on the ground in the aisle on the LIRR where EVERYBODY walks. I need to touch it, use it for my ticket, I'm so traumatized over this. It's unpleasant, but nothing to worry about. I feel sick my stomach worrying about HIV contamination. HELP!!!!
Post 09:
Remind myself, even if I get HIV, which I won't... I'll still have a life, friends, a loving wife. People are living normal lives with HIV. The solitude I fear came true, it's only going to get better from here. Touching the ground where everybody walks is unpleasant, but I'm ok.
Post 10:
I'm worried about dropping my phone in the LIRR aisle where everybody walks then I played on my phone all commute long. City shoes on bed sheets is ancient history. The latest incident replaces the previous one. It's all anxiety and OCD. Relax. Have a great day.
LATER THAT DAY:
Post 01:
I've come down on meds and feel happier. Just had a fun day with friends. I keep making progress. I do have OCD, anxiety, contamination fears that are crippling me. But this day with friends made me feel happy.
Post 02:
Dropped my smart phone in the aisle on the railroad where everybody walks, touched the ground, touched "contaminated" phone. A long day with friends calmed me down. The horror is fading away.
It's no HIV risk, right. Unpleasant. But clean the phone when I get home, I'll live.
Post 03:
My mom said, even if I licked the aisle in the middle of the train, I still wouldn't get HIV. She was trying to calm me down about dropping my phone there and then playing on it all trip long... But is she right?
Post 04:
When somebody says, "your risk of contracting HIV this way is VERY low." I'm thinking to myself: so you're saying there's a chance? I almost want to hear a lie - that it's IMPOSSIBLE.
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