November 5, 2021:
Post 01:
According to Artsy, all of my artwork I submitted to Fountain House gallery sold. I guess people really like my style. I sold 6 pieces, some for 100 dollars, others for 75 dollars. I'll probably make like 550 dollars, then FH take a percentage. This was very successful.
Post 02:
Tragedy can ruin a very funny joke. A lot of my content could be hilarious, but it got too dark and depressing. Now the joke is ruined.
November 7, 2021:
Post 01:
When I reminisce about a wonderful time with my BFF, sometimes I get so emotional that I start to cry. I'm thinking about wholesome, safe, fun we had - walking around NYC, Central Park, our fun on Long Island... And I'm sobbing. It felt so good, I want it more, don't want to end.
Post 02:
As I was walking to a friends house, a bird pooped on me. At least I assume it was a bird and not a drive by fecal matter assassin. I was below a tree, but I didn't see the bird. I'm worried about contamination fears.
Is there brown in bird poop? The gross substance was brown mixed with white, it fell on me by a tree. I touched the poop with my hands when I cleaned it at my friends. Now I'm catastrophizing a psychopath launched feces from a car. Let it go. I'm ok.
Post 03:
I had hot dogs at a friend's BBQ. The hot dog buns touched a bag that just came from Stop & Stop. The bags you pack your groceries in. I still ate it. You wouldn't worry, right? I'm getting contamination fears. HIV risk?
Post 04:
I attempted my new stand-up comedy set last night.
For some reason, my new jokes were bombing, maybe I wasn't in the mood to do comedy.
If they're disastrous in the small room, I need to refine them before I'm in front of 200 people. Can't bomb on my big night.
I feel the biggest problem is starting my set off with "I had a nightmare... I have skin cancer." Then talking about quadriplegia and death from covid-19. It really destroys the jokes before they even begin. I'm going for gallows humor, but they're the unfunniest things on earth.
Plus I was tired last night, didn't feel like thinking, concentrating, performing. I was also lacking confidence in my jokes.
Two weeks from now, on my big day in front of 200 people, I have to perform on a high level. I can't butcher my act like I did last night.
November 8, 2021:
Post 01:
My life is so pointless. I've been trying to become rich and famous for years, even if it happens... At this point, who cares?! The pain and suffering wasn't worth the "reward."
They tell me I'm delusional about "upcoming success." I'm actually protecting myself from sadness.
Post 02:
When I brought the turkey cold cuts into my apartment, my cell phone, which was just at the gym, touched the bag of cold cuts. I feel like my turkey is contaminated with HIV now. I know, there I go again with contamination fears. It's irrational. Let it go. Eat the cold cuts.
Post 03:
Tonight is trash day, I brought the garbage can to the curb.
Also, my nails are really long, haven't clipped them in weeks.
While I was touching the outside garbage can, my nail dug into my skin, giving me a cut/scratch. Don't worry about contamination fears, right?!
Post 04:
It seems like many people at the psychosocial clubhouse I go to wind up being trouble. I hate judging people without meeting them... BUT there's a real stigma to severe mental illness, which is too bad. I just want to have happy, wholesome, safe, bunny fun, not be afraid.
Post 05:
I know it's important to be understanding and not judgemental towards the severely mentally ill. Lately, aside from my BFF, and our close friends, I just want to be alone. No new friends. No danger.
Post 06:
My friend is nervous about a possible new friend, and if she's nervous then there's likely problems with the individual. She's making me think we're going to be hanging out with a psychopathic serial killer. And frankly, I'd just rather be home safe and sound.
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