Post 01:
I want my dream woman. Soulmate woman. Feel-good Hollywood ending. To relax. To be safe and sound.
But today I'm going into NYC, afraid of getting bullied by a criminal, contracting COVID-19, HIV contamination.
There I go again. Going into NYC is not like going into a warzone.
Post 02:
According to the best in the business at psychiatry, the trauma that made me feel like the REAL WORLD is a chaotic warzone, that makes me hide safe and sound at home, was getting severely bullied in middle and high school... Then I hid in a fantasyland at home protected from harm.
Post 03:
All I want to do is be safe and sound with my "dream woman", which is a delusional fantasy, there's no dream secret admirer... But I'm going into unsafe situations in NYC, that I don't want to do in the first place... With my luck, I'll probably wind up dying from the risk. Ugh!
Post 04:
My mental health friends are pressuring me into coming into NYC, while is great and I've had the most fun of my life with them, and it's better than being solitary for weeks, and weeks, and weeks. Frankly, I want my dream woman, to relax, to be safe and sound. Enough with risks.
Post 05:
Yes, COVID-19, Omicron, crime is all up in NYC. Some people commute into NYC every day for work. What would I be doing if I didn't see my mental health friends today? The answer, I'd have no social interaction with ANYBODY, alone ALL DAY LONG, it'd be torturous. Relax. Have fun.
Post 06:
I've come to the conclusion: I DON'T LIKE GOING TO NYC.
Yes, I adore and love my mental health friends.
But every time I go it gives me GREAT ANXIETY, feel unsafe, and now I'm going to have to navigate more independently.
Maybe it's time I assert myself and say: I HATE NYC!
Post 07:
I paid over 100 dollars for a New Year's Eve party in NYC. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. But I don't drink - they're all going to be drinking. I'll have to uber alone at 1 am. Maybe I should forget the 100 dollars, and assert, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS AND I FEEL UNSAFE.
Post 08:
I have anxiety, so I did nothing for years, was pouring my life down the drain. I met the best friends of my life in NYC. They were pushing me to get outside my comfort zone, do things, and we had so much fun. Sometimes, I take risks that I simply don't want to take with them.
Post 09:
Today, I won't be solitary at home.
I'm doing comedy in NYC. I sold over 15 tickets. My friends paid money to see me.
With COVID-19, my contamination fears, crime in NYC. I don't want to be in the city.
But it's set. I'm going to do it today. So relax and have a good time.
Post 10:
I don't want to do comedy tonight... What I really want to be doing... I wish I had a friend who was a woman, maybe my "dream woman", we would be having a small gathering at her apartment, then we would have a sleepover, safe and sound, watching movies all night long.
Post 11:
Hypothetically speaking, if I met my dream woman tonight, but I'm more likely going to get murdered by a criminal. Unfortunately, I can't spontaneously have a sleepover watching movies all night long because I'd need to prepare and bring my nightly psychiatric medications with me.
Post 12:
The really frustrating part of this all is it feels like NOBODY HEARS ME. My screams are going into a VOID. Maybe when you're playing music with the volume blasting at one billion (EXTREMELY LOUD), people run away, for quieter, more peaceful music.
Post 13:
I'm going to do comedy tonight in NYC, socialize with my mental health friends, rock and roll... But in so many ways, I'd rather be in SOLITARY CONFINEMENT at home all day long... Even though solitude is frustrating, the story of my life, and why I'm mentally ill at the moment.
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