December 4, 2021:
Post 01:
I was walking around my apartment with socks on, then when I put on my gym pants preparing to go, something flew up and hit me in the mouth. It was probably a pebble or some debris from the outdoors. I don't know what it was. I didn't bleed. But I'm getting contamination fears.
Post 02:
Something that bothers me... My dad always asks if I "like myself?" As if to imply I don't. I'm frustrated by lack of socialization and independence, but I think of myself as Mr. Cool. I'm such a badass. I do like who I am. Plus I'm very handsome too. I have so much going for me.
Post 03:
If God gave me a choice to be one person on planet earth, I wouldn't want to be anybody else but me - I'm that cool.
Post 04:
I never see or talk to my mother anymore. I basically, sit in here alone constantly. It is a shame she doesn't want to spend time with me, but that's what she chooses. To leave me alone 24/7. Just accept it.
Post 05:
Some people get success and it's so silly and I don't understand why. I think I should be successful by now. Maybe it will happen soon. Some people say it's "delusions", but of course it's not. I'm going to be rich and famous very soon. I know it.
Post 06:
Traumatic things you may never fully heal from. I was bullied about twenty years ago. I told my doctor I never think about the bullies anymore - he says I do constantly.
December 5, 2021:
Post 01:
Right now I'm having the "delusion" my father is my sadistic persecutor. Let's assume he didn't torture me, yesterday he had a toilet paper roll on the ground in the passenger seat of his car to remind himself to buy some. He knows I get HIV contamination fears. Very insensitive.
Post 02:
My father was over my apartment yesterday and kept referencing Charlie Sheen and Two and a Half Men. I'm called The Wildman and want my own sitcom, but I think it was actually a metaphor to trigger me. Charlie Sheen has HIV. He was trying to scare me that he's contaminating me.
Post 03:
I'm not saying I'm always right. Fantasy and reality get blurred in my mind from years of social isolation. But the feelings are valid. I might say my father did the worst thing imaginable to me - it's like a metaphor. To me, the feeling of torture is completely true.
Post 04:
Where there is smoke there's fire. I'm not saying "my dad is an alien, who came on a rocket ship, to abduct bunnies." I say he tortured me in the worst way imaginable. While it might be a rage-filled blurred-reality metaphor. My emotions about him are completely true and valid.
Post 05:
My mother and father are not loving parents, innocent victims, with a crazy son. They're MONSTERS who intentionally tortured me, got pleasure from my suffering. I didn't have the tools to escape, was dependent on persecutors, and they sabotaged my whole life. Is this a delusion?
Post 06:
I'm afraid my parents were controlling my narrative in front of doctors, in public, speaking for me. Gaslighting me. Making me think I'm delusional, crazy, while the torture was actually true. Or THERE I GO AGAIN?! My parents love me. Calm down. They're not satan.
Post 07:
Fight off the delusions, stop thinking about it.
Even though, "the delusions have passed", I'm going to leave the posts public because maybe it can be turned into a screenplay like the novel about mental illness "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" by, Joanne Greenberg.
Post 08:
My doctor says when the delusions pass, why don't I feel any guilt about accusing my parents of such horrible things? And we have cited examples of me feeling guilt towards people I love, even strangers - people I don't hate. It leads me to believe there's truth to the delusions.
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