December 20, 2021:
Post 01:
I'm distanced from my mother and stepfather in my apartment, but when I get small doses of them, I remember what MONSTERS they were. I just heard my stepdad screaming at the dogs out back. Earlier today, my mother was screaming at me over the phone. They put me through hell.
Post 02:
I was powerless, had to be well behaved, and take my parents abuse and submit. I want VENGEANCE, but acting out is exactly what they want me to do. The only REVENGE that will get to them and make them miserable is to make myself independent and extremely successful.
December 21, 2021:
Post 01:
Every week something is wrong with my groceries, it triggers OCD and makes me look insane. For example, this week, the seal over the Ovaltine powder was half removed. Meaning, it COULD'VE been contaminated. So I don't want to drink it. Every week something like this happens.
Post 02:
I need to remind myself my parents LOVE ME. They're not playing mind games with me, bullying me, trying to get me to look insane. They're not preparing for a supreme court case. Yes, I can get riled up by my parents, but thinking they're sadistic torturers is a DELUSION.
Post 03:
Today, for a video, I wore a Santa Christmas hat that was on the floor, and touched my city shoes. The hats been everywhere in my apartment. I'm worried about contamination. Even if there was HIV on my shoes, which there most likely wasn't, the virus would be dead by today.
Post 04:
I have potential friendships I can develop in NYC. I discovered when I'm not safe, being protected by my ex-girlfriend, I hate being independent in NYC. With this male good-intentioned buddy, I could see a movie or get dinner, but I feel overwhelming anxiety and want to stay home.
Post 05:
Social anxiety and agoraphobia make me stay home isolated. I get really frustrated, miserable, and mentally ill when I'm alone. Socialization would be more effective in my recovery than any psychiatric medication, but I get overwhelming panic attacks before I socialize. Help me!
Post 06:
Before my ex-girlfriend and NYC, I was solitary, poring my life down the drain.
I look at NYC as a WARZONE...
Criminals, contamination, danger all around.
I felt OVERWHELMING ANXIETY and clung to her like she was leading me around the most dangerous place on planet earth.
Post 07:
The truth is before "taking risks" with my ex-girlfriend I had no life. I had SO MUCH WASTED TIME. Sometimes I was at places I didn't want to be, but the majority of the time I was having the most fun of my life with her. After days I didn't want to go, I usually came home happy.
Post 08:
Before going to the comedy show this past Saturday, I was having overwhelming anxiety anticipating my "death." The reality was I socialized with good-intentioned friends. Rock and rolled on stage. The day improved my mental health and I came home that night happy. Glad I went!
Post 09:
Despite having extreme anxiety, imagining death and horror would happen in NYC on Saturday, I went and actually had FUN!
If I listened to my brain saying "don't go, isolate, avoid", I'd never have the wonderful experience that improved my mental health and life.
Post 10:
Today, I'm going to NYC to exchange gifts with my ex-girlfriend. I'm imagining the city is going to be empty due to COVID-19, afraid of getting attacked by a criminal, contamination fears. What's the alternative? Staying home safe and sound, solitary, then getting mentally ill?
Post 11:
If you go into the REAL WORLD, you can encounter danger, and sometimes things happen that are bad...
If you hide at home, you'll pour your life down the drain, be miserable, and never have a life.
Most of the time in the REAL WORLD I have fun anyway. The bullies are long ago.
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