August 27, 2022:
Post 01:
I actually remembered my dream last night. Bret Hart was having an autograph signing at Taco Bell in Seaford and my father encouraged me to get him to autograph my mom's Green Bunny artwork for some reason. When I got there Vince McMahon was there and started lecturing me.
Post 02:
The conclusion Vince McMahon and I came to was I needed to socialize with women more. He pointed at a woman who was in the direction of Burger King as if to say: GO AHEAD. TALK TO HER.
This post might sound like a joke. But it's not. This was seriously what I dreamt last night.
Post 03:
I'm not a dream analysis expert... But if I had to interpret what it means: get a life with a woman and don't go to "Taco Bell" (the Nassau Coliseum) to get a photo with a 60-something year old professional wrestling legend.
August 29, 2022:
Post 01:
I performed stand-up comedy a few hours ago. I was having "heart problems" and shortness of breath when I first got out in front of the audience. Might've been an anxiety attack... But I recovered. My parents told me it was good. Got some laughs. But it certainly wasn't perfect.
Post 02:
It's easy to say "there's something wrong with my brain", maybe there is, but maybe it's years of trauma and social isolation. My social skills are atrocious. I really need practice talking to people. This comedy class was great because I met some friends and socialized.
Post 03:
I think a theater class is a good idea.
To be honest, I'm scared of NYC and the Fountain House. I'm afraid I'm gonna get assaulted. I feel high-functioning.
I'd take an art class. I'd do meditation.
I don't want to waste my life in a solitary fantasyland like Joanne Greenberg
Post 04:
I'm wasting my life. Pouring my best years down the drain. Hiding from the world at home. Nobody will live your life for you. If you want a life - MAKE IT HAPPEN. When I do live life I usually succeeded. Look at comedy for example.
Post 05:
To Saturday Night Live on NBC: I would host SNL if you wanted me to.
August 30, 2022:
Post 01:
So many people want me to be dumbed down. They don't want a REAL story about severe mental health challenges. They want me to be a comic buffoon like BROKEN Matt Hardy. There's nothing wrong with that character if you like sensational, but I want to tell a deep intellectual story
Post 02:
A real story about severe mental illness scares people, unsettles them, ruffles their feathers. They want mindless feel-good Hollywood BROKEN Matt. The truth is I'm lucky to be alive and if I didn't come back with determination, I could've wound up homeless. Nobody would've cared
Post 03:
To use an analogy they can understand, I'm like Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys. I wrote some cool surfing songs a few years ago and I'm still capable of writing them. I've outgrown them as an artist. They bore me. I want to write Pet Sounds. I just wasn't made for these times.
Post 04:
Next week I'm planning on going into New York City for a friend's birthday. I love her, want to celebrate with her, and give her the gifts... But I feel like going into NYC is like going to my execution. I might get assaulted by a criminal or step on something life-changing.
Post 05:
I need to remind myself my fears about New York City are mostly panic attacks and anxiety. Usually when I come home from a day with friends I feel happy. So go. Have a good time. But I'm not going to lie, I can't wait until no longer have to go into New York City for months.
Post 06:
When it comes to this friend - I want to go to NYC because I love her and want her to have a special day... But my mom CONSTANTLY tries to pressure me into going to the Fountain House. I hate NYC. I feel unsafe there and would rather be home for months in solitude.
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