Post 01:
Talking about comedy college like it's an actual university has potential as a joke. My joke about it is, the only university my father would pay for was comedy college... And he won't even help me with homework in something that's creative and fun. But seriously, he didn't pay.
Post 02:
If you want facts, my father didn't pay for comedy college, much like he paid for hardly anything throughout my childhood besides inexpensive fast food. The Fountain House, which is practically a homeless shelter, were the generous ones who gave me an art scholarship.
Post 03:
My psychiatrist said most of the time I view friends and family positively - like my mother. But when I get overtaken with emotion - anger, fear, frustration, etc - I can view her with a sadistic deceiver SATAN lens and lose sight of everything good. The reality is shades of grey.
Post 04:
I might act oblivious but I'm not an idiot. I know the people who are scared and don't want to be around me. I know who's a little horrified to be around me. I'm not always right when I mentalize what's in other people's minds, but often my intuition is right on the money.
Post 05:
Sometimes the schizophrenic person can be smarter than the doctor. I remember I was sending text messages to a doctor and he didn't believe I was writing them. He asked, "did you write these? Did your mother write these?" Of course I wrote them. Who else would have? My mom?!
A lot of doctors assume people with schizophrenia are stupid, mindless, nothing is going on in their mind. Especially when they have an over involved mother who talks for them. Then when they get a glimpse into their loud artwork, they don't believe they're capable of creating it
Post 06:
My mother tries to prevent me from getting thoughts and feelings. I believe if you have an issue talk about it, resolve it, handle it maturely. With my mother, she only sees things from her point of view and she tells you how you're allowed to feel. Obviously, she's a narcissist.
Post 07:
I'm trying to not get the sadistic deceiver delusions about my mother. Don't view her with the SADISTIC SATAN lens... BUT the mega regimen of medications I was taking for a decade was a result of my mother controlling my narrative and making my worst nightmares come true.
Post 08:
Even though the mega regimen of medications was so unnecessary and insane... Keep in mind it wasn't calculated, intentional, and attempted murder. In my mother's and pychopharmacologists mind they PROBABLY thought they were helping me, but they were really killing me with poison.
Post 09:
If my mom is a sadistic torturer (maybe it's the emotional tsunami SATAN lens)... Sometimes it seems like even the "best in the business" at psychiatry would rather prescribe a mega regimen to shut up the mother than save her abuse victim. He's just doing a job and doesn't care.
Post 10:
Instead of saying "the delusions about my parents have passed." My psychiatrists suggested I say, "I've calmed down. I'm no longer so emotional." The truth is nobody was trying to murder me. There was no negligence by doctors. Everyone in family loves and wants the best for me.
Post 11:
Even if my mother isn't sadistically trying to be a bully, she's left me solitary in a Fantasyland, allowed me to pour my life down the drain, shows me no love, treats me like a burden. I'm crying out for somebody to treat me with kindness and empathize, not to be cruel to me.
Post 12:
What my mother has done to me is called emotional neglect. While she provides me with a lot of material nice things. When it comes to giving me any bit of love, I feel an emptiness and coldness coming from her. A void. I feel sad and unloved. I'm angry she can't give me any love.
Post 13:
My mom knows how to rile people up. It's what she does. She knows how to get under your skin. She wants you to react. Don't get emotional. Don't view her with the sadistic SATAN LENS. The truth about her is very shades of grey. She's not evilest of evil. Her bad mood will pass.
Post 14:
While screaming at me and me being silent the entire time, my mother gaslights me. She tells me how I'm the abusive one, how I'm the mentally ill one, how I'm the toxic one. To be frank, I just want to run away from the conversation because it makes my emotion get riled up.
Post 15:
When my mother rants at me about what a loser and burden I am, I learned to say nothing to her... Then I post the frustrations online to let my feelings out.
Post 16:
Eventually when somebody abuses you, calls you a loser and burden, and you say nothing over, and over, and over again (I'm passive)... You're gonna grow to resent that person and you'll want vengeance.
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