Socialization Chains

I don't socialize with anyone in-person day, after day, it's torture. I'm full of pent-up energy and I'm having a meltdown. A friend asked me over the phone: if I'm so frustrated by social isolation then why don't I socialize? For example: go to a church, do my MTA forms, get a job, volunteer. ANYTHING! Socialization is the key to recovery and more effective than any medication (according to my doctor).

It's not that I'm incapable because I'm too low functioning. We theorized it might be related to laziness, dependency, and being spoiled. I want a mother figure to guide me around and do it FOR ME.

I decided to take the initiative and call a local Christian Church about Sunday. On the phone, I was having an extreme panic attack, felt she was viewing me critically. Now I'm afraid to go there Sunday. I'm catastrophizing about driving and the parking lot. I will push through the anxiety and agoraphobia.

I also called local comedy clubs that were closed. I'll also reach out to Fountain House friends.

Then I had to call my mom and tell her about all the success. My mother is getting older and if I want to meet friends, I have to meet friends MYSELF, she can't do it for me.

The reason I started making my sensational social media posts was that I was seeking friendship. Then it turned into money and fame. I was imagining there was a secret admirer. Unfortunately, all evidence shows that it's a pipe dream. I get five views on my videos. The likelihood that it's somebody of significance is slim.

I guess the point I'm trying to make... yes, my posts are like a digital diary and I have fun making them. But if I'm expecting someone to come knocking at my door and say I discovered you from the internet, that's very unrealistic. I've been attempting that for years with no success. The key to meeting friends is reaching out to people in the REAL WORLD. Unfortunately, I have crippling social anxiety and agoraphobia.

When I get filled with frustration I blame my mom. Feel she's torturing me and holding me prisoner. But my chains are internal, not maternal. Sympathize and love my parents. They want the best for me. We're all full of sadness over what happened to us.

I'll go to the Christian Church Sunday, but don't stop there. Keep going into the REAL world. Break free from my chains. And stop telling mommy everything.