Most of the time I'm happy Andrew, thinking friends and family love me. But occasionally, I'll think people are villainous monsters that will betray me. Then it passes, and I'm loving Andrew again. This hurts my ability to have meaningful relationships. When you think people who genuinely love you are MONSTERS, they're traumatized. Though it hurts my parents' feelings, they are used to it, and won't leave my life. Unfortunately, friends will have enough. They won't take the abuse, they'll leave my life and I'll be alone with no friends.
Some people have suggested it's genetic. I personally think it's from years of bullying, betrayal, no socialization, being alone in my head, then daydream delusions. Regardless, being unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality might require different medication. They say socialization in the real world is stronger medicine than any Clozeral, that'll give me a firm grasp on reality. Sadly, I'm extremely anxious and agoraphobic.
Coronavirus has been really hard on me. Most of the time I'm alone in my head. it's getting me really sick. Friends have suggested volunteering or a job. Anything to end the isolation.
I'm hoping new friends will reach out to me, but no savior is coming. I have to reach out to new people. Make friends. The years of trauma has me feeling pain and disconnected.
Speaking of delusions, when I publically post things like "my parents are villainous monsters", then leave it public after the delusions pass, you might say I'm making a major mistake. Someone might see that and come to the wrong conclusion. I want it to be seen. It's my life story and makes profound points about struggling with severe mental illness. I think the right people are viewing it, compiling it into a movie screenplay, book, documentary. I'm almost in a simulation, being protected by a guardian angel. I have blind faith. But I know the guardian angel exists. I believe this will end like a feel-good Hollywood movie once I get well.
There's no question they're bad people who will try and harm you, sadistic monsters like the middle school bullies. Sometimes when you're lost, on the path towards doom, a nice person will lend a hand and help you. Not everyone in the world is a bad person.
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