Was the HIV scare premeditated? Did people have nefarious intentions? I believe they did.
They say it was my fear that made me take PrEP. No one placed any debris.
Were they gaslighting me into being afraid of HIV in late 2019? Or was this fear all from me?
They said there was no plot against me. Maybe there was intermittent gaslighting? But blood work was shown during intimacy. They really weren't trying to cause an accident.
Even if going to the ER was my panic attack... Were they gaslighting me into being afraid of HIV?
Possibly inconsistent intermittent gaslighting, but I had a panic attack. It really was my decision to be afraid of HIV and to take PrEP. It is not revisionist history because of how badly it got for me. I didn't react in a rational way.
It was an unfortunate accident that really traumatised and affected me. But at least I know there was no betrayal from someone who I genuinely considered to be my friend. At least that part is a a relief.
Basically, how I "gaslit" myself into believing there's a nefarious hidden reality with the HIV scare, I need to "gaslight" myself into believing the whole thing was just an unfortunate accident that no one did to me with premeditated intent.
"Gaslight" might not be the right word. But I have to convince myself the truth - which is there was no plot to give me an HIV scare. I'm delusional.
I care about these people, they care about me, it's time to accept it and let it go. There's no betrayal at all.
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