Emails, Dr. Garrett, February 2017, Optimistic About Our Sessions

Optimistic About Our Sessions

My Email:

Fri, Feb 3, 2017, 9:19 AM

Dear Dr Garrett,

I'm very optimistic about our sessions. But I'm also a little nervous about the commute.

The first two weeks I had a family member accompanying me.

Next week (2/8/2017), I'm commuting alone. And I'm a little scared.

My Mom was talking with my cousin, who’s a police officer in Brooklyn, and he agreed that it’s not the best area. And to be aware of your surroundings.

I can’t act like a scared tourist on the street.

I will walk with a purpose - acting tough and confident.

And I'll see you 2/8/2017 at 11-11:45am... Look forward to it!!!!

NOW A BIT ABOUT MYSELF:

I’m 29 years old, but my Mom does everything for me. I’m overly dependent on her.

She does my bills, my paperwork, talks to my doctors for me, e-mails my Vocational Counselor with me, gives me money. Goes with me here, there.

I'm like a man-child.

I’m getting frustrated and depressed that I do nothing every single day. I'm home with my Mom and Step Dad (neither work).

And there is just no privacy in this house.

Sometimes I feel like she eavesdrops, and tries to police what I do.

Even when I masturbate in my room behind a closed door, I feel like everybody knows. I can hear them, they can hear me. NO PRIVACY!

I’m frustrated that I don’t see any friends, have no woman, have no money, no job, no life.

But I’m too frozen with fear to change.

It may appear like I can’t do it, but I assure you I can.

I ASSURE YOU I’m very high functioning.

I guess I’m waiting for tons of money to be served to me on a golden platter, I’m waiting for my knight in shining armor to save me, but nothing’s happening... I’m watching my life tick by.

A friend told me I have to work hard to get out of this environment... because no one will Spoon Feed Me an excellent future...

She said: "you can do it. You’re a smart guy. You’re good looking."

But she said she can’t wait forever.

I guess I subconsciously self-sabotage to protest my Mom's authoritarian parenting.

I've lost my teenage years, my college years, my 20's... I don't want to lose any more time.

And I don't want to wind up in disabled housing.

I suffered a lot. My parent's divorce, the middle/high school bullying, the high school "dog incident" (extreme guilt), social isolation, mental illness, hospitalizations.

I see people on tv, comedians… and I know I could do their job so much better. But I'm stuck in this pit.

Like my psychologist says, you can’t start at the top. I have to work hard to get there.

Although getting a job as a stock clerk at a supermarket may feel humiliating and degrading to me (at 29). It may be better than collecting disability, with no money, living at home.

It hurts my pride to be at the bottom, while some people my age are making six figures (or more).

I’m not ashamed of my disability, but I know I’m capable of more than collecting disability.

And I've lost relationships, friendships, and so much more because I haven't been working or moving forward.

I know I can be atop the mountain with help.

And the reason I publicly blog is because I want to get discovered for my posts. I want to be rich and famous (for my art). But it doesn’t seem like many people view what I do. And it doesn't seem like many people care.

But all it takes is one person from the past, one famous person, one undercover boss, to come into my life and rescue me. Offering me a job.

And I believe I have people who are silently watching me through the computer. They’ve been observing what I do for YEARS.

And I know they’ll do the right thing when the time is right. Because we’re friends.

I’m just not sure why that time isn’t now. What more is left for me to do? I want them to press the "start" button (make me successful)... Maybe I'm delusional, and no one cares. But I don’t think so.

I'm told it's very unlikely this will happen. There is no fairy Godmother who will make my wishes come true... And I have to do it.

I want to change. But I feel frozen, stuck.

I’m told posting publicly on the computer is unhealthy, but at times it’s very healthy. It’s  therapeutic. I express things I have difficulty expressing to people in words.

Maybe I need to save that for my psychology/psychiatry sessions because that’d be more appropriate. But that’s only about an hour weekly. The majority of the time I’m paralyzed in this house.

The problem is, it doesn’t appear like anyone is listening.

I want to be heard, I want to feel validation.

My method of posting publicly online might be ineffective and harmful to myself, but it’s the only way I know how to be heard.

Sadly, it appears very few people view it or care. And it makes people think I’m crazy too.

Nonetheless, I’m trying really hard. Because I REALLY WANT IT!

Dr. Garrett's Reply:

Fri, Feb 3, 2017, 3:31 PM

Andrew

I spoke to Dr Margolis today.  Good discussion.  Will fill you in when we meet.

The neighborhood around the hospital is quite safe (especially during the day when you will be coming).  Lots of people who work at the hospital coming and going all day.  I assume you will be using the subway?  If so, take the #2 or #5 train to Winthrop stop.  When you emerge from the subway, cross Nostrand Ave, turn right on New York Ave, and the hospital is across the street on the left. 

Dr G