Post 01:
I seriously think I'm dying. I feel that sick.
Post 02:
I've been telling everyone how I felt like I was dying for months... I still feel that way. Everybody thought it was hypochondria or a delusion. They'll be dumbfounded when I get the terminal illness diagnosis and wonder, "how did it happen? What a surprise!"
Post 03:
I've been literally saying I feel like I'm dying for months. How much louder do I need to say it? In what different way do I have to say it? How much louder do I need to scream? I'm fucking dying. The self-centered monsters will never empathize or care. My life is probably over
Post 04:
I'm probably dying, but you know what? It's all good. I'm resigned to my fate. I'm screwed. They're not going to empathize and believe me and they'll be dumbfounded when I get to terminal illness diagnosis. I've been saying it for fucking months. They watched me die in solitude.
Post 05:
To my parents, when I get the terminal illness diagnosis very soon, don't try to comfort yourselves that you didn't kill me because you did. Who am I kidding? They don't have empathy. They're psychopaths who don't give a shit. But my upcoming death diagnosis is their fault.
Post 06:
As you can probably tell, after feeling better yesterday, the EoE was acting up again tonight. Try to comfort myself with the fact that there's no terminal illness diagnosis yet. I do feel very sick like I'm dying. But life-threatening is just a suspicion at this point.
Post 07:
Even if I do unfortunately get diagnosed with terminal illness, try to remember my parents want me healthy. Did they want it to happen? No. Could they have done more to prevent it? Possibly. But they want happiness, health, and success for me, not death.
Post 08:
If there's a God, some things are just so unfair and tragic. They make you wonder why God could be so cruel.
Post 09:
It's not just people doing evil things that you can easily attribute to Satan that make me question God's existence. Why does cancer exist? Why do severe mental health challenges like schizoaffective disorder exist?
Post 10:
Lately I've been trying ringing in my ears and headaches. I'm scared to Google search what it could mean. I'm afraid of a brain tumor. Though, it could just be Tinnitus.
Post 11:
People assume I'm shouting because I'm crazy and maybe that's true, but I could also potentially have hearing loss from listening to headphones all day long on max volume for years. It appears insane, but don't automatically assume it's complete insanity. Maybe it's my hearing.
Post 12:
I could be screaming and shouting in conversations lately because I'm tired of being ignored and unheard by everybody in the world. Or maybe I don't know social etiquette. Maybe I'm excited to be in the world and I'm screaming out of excitement. Or maybe it's hearing loss.
Post 13:
I did a painting tonight at a recovery group. I'll do it on Tuesdays and Thursdays I think. It was fun for me. Good to get out. It was a little bit like doing artwork with my mom and dad - only more fun. Try not to tell myself "I'm too high-functioning" for group and keep going.
Post 14:
Initially I wanted to leave the recovery group because it reminded me of others I've gone to in the past, I'm glad I stayed. The people there were friendly and fun to talk to and I was working on a stimulating art project (not stapling or folding papers). I couldn't ask for more.
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