Post 01:
I'm very frustrated. I'm blaming my parents for my frustration. Even IF they're sadists. Realistically, nobody is preventing me from socializing. Take responsibility.
Post 02:
Even if my parents did get sadistic sexual pleasure from my suffering and enjoyed watching me pour my life down the drain. It's my responsibility to talk to women. It's my lack of social skills, not my mother and father having me in a chastity belt. Keep trying, and trying.
Post 03:
I don't know why my parents allowed me to sit in solitude for so long. There needed to be an intervention. I'm told it wasn't sadistic by psychiatrists. Did they want me to come back with determination? Was my lost time just unfortunate? It's my responsibility to live my life.
Post 04:
If I want to sit financially dependent, involuntary celibate, and pour my life down the drain - it's MY FAULT. Should my parents have intervened more? Yes. They weren't holding me at gunpoint. I had freedom. Take accountability for wasting my best years and don't blame others.
Post 05:
Although it's very similar to yesterday... Speaking medically, I have a wound on a private and sensitive area. I used the public restroom at the partial program. Wetness from water and possibly my urine got into my cut. Is this a contamination risk? HIV risk?
Stop (doing that) so much and let the wound heal. I was able to go without (doing that) for two weeks when I was in the psychiatric hospital. Use self-control.
Post 06:
I tell myself that I NEED a girlfriend. She'll transform my life for the better. However, relationships can be stressful especially if two people are mentally ill. Focus on mental health recovery, don't be so intense, meet friends, and calm down. OCD will scare women away.
Post 07:
Although I really desire a girlfriend and haven't had one in a long time. I only need myself. Take dating slowly. Go on dates. Do wholesome activities. Don't make desperate manic impulsive decisions. That could lead to something life-changing like HIV. Be calm with dating.
Post 08:
It's important I don't blame mommy and my parents for my frustration. I was anxious and agoraphobic. It was my choice to isolate at home and become sick from solitude. I was wasting my best years in a daydreamland. BUT I'm 35 years old. BLAME MYSELF!
Post 09:
If my mother tried spoon feeding me a girlfriend, I'd reject her and say she's too controlling of my friendships and relationships. I have to keep trying with women and not get discouraged by rejection. Eventually if I live in the real world, I'll find someone.
Post 10:
If I date someone with mental illness just released from the psych ward, you might not even be the unstable one. I have good intentions and want to have fun. Maybe she could be a danger to herself. Do I want to feel responsible if something happens? With dating rejection happens.
Post 11:
The famous people who could have saved me 15 years ago - didn't save me. Though, they didn't owe it to me. As much as I want to blame my parents, they weren't trying to kill me. Assuming everyone isn't psychopaths, in hindsight, everyone feels horrible that I metaphorically died.
Post 12:
A joke that WAS FUNNY can become extremely unfunny in retrospect. Are they truly sorry for making me into a buffoonish laughingstock? Or are they sorry that I'll be the ultimate winner and they'll look like monstrous bullies? If I was homeless, would they care? I don't think so.
Bun Bun Posts:
Post 01:
For so many years I was solitary, extremely mentally ill, had no friends, no life, and agoraphobic. I was home all day long, vulnerable, and desperately needed help. My psychiatrist suggested going to the Fountain House (a psychosocial clubhouse) because I wasn't leaving my house
Post 02:
The reason my psychiatrist suggested the Fountain House and not work is that he didn't think I was ready for work at the time. Corporate America can be very cutthroat. They can fire you if you're having a bad mental health day. Just like college can suspend you.
Post 03:
I began going to the Fountain House in August 2017. I hated it. I thought I was too high functioning for it. Related to no one. So I rarely went. When I did go, I'd almost immediately come home most of the time.
Post 04:
Then I met a really good friend there in August 2019 (Bun Bun). She gave me wonderful life experiences. I had to trust her which I started to do. Once I began to realize she wasn't a bully or a sadistic deceiver I started to relax. I was unfamiliar with NYC and she comforted me.
Post 05:
Thanks to Bun Bun I had some of the best experiences of my life. In retrospect, I wish I realized she was never a bully. She was a genuine person who wanted to help me. We can't change the past, but I'd get rapid delusional mood swings periodically when I became too afraid.
Post 06:
Bun Bun changed me for the better. I learned the real world isn't scary. It can be very fun. Although initially, I was afraid of Bun Bun, now I completely trust her. She's still my best friend. We had so many great times together.
Weekend Planning Posts:
Post 01:
It's Friday. I would like to have fun this weekend. To do this I need to leave the house, socialize, maybe go to a restaurant, and do enjoyable activities.
Post 02:
A barrier that might prevent me from having fun this weekend is nobody wanting to socialize with me. Even if I'm completely alone - which I won't be - my dad will at the very least be willing to grab lunch with me - I could always go to a restaurantwants alone.
Post 03:
Having fun this weekend is a very realistic and attainable goal that I can and will accomplish. Life is a lot of routines. We all have the weekday routine. In a way, my weekends are the routine away from the weekday routine. It's very likely to come to fruition.
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