Post 01:
I really need help and not the psychiatric hospital. I'm the problem. The person who is delusional and driving everyone away. I'm at rock-bottom. I'm totally headed back to the psych ward which is hell on Earth. I DON'T want to go there. The internet is a major problem too.
Post 02:
Am I unbelievably sick with mental illness that's it's painfully obvious to EVERYONE? Yes. But I'm hilarious and a performative genius. Pay me the big bucks and give me freedom.
Post 03:
It's time for me to be in Hollywood movies. Make my dreams come true right now. Sadly, it's like I'm stuck in a nightmare and I don't see an end in sight and I'm afraid it's going to get worse before it gets better, if it ever gets better. But I'm dreaming about being movie star.
Post 04:
Someone got on the treadmill next to me today with a "Guess?" t-shirt. It reminded me of The Riddler from Batman. Who is The Riddler (my secret admirer)? Is it Brian Wilson from Beach Boys? Paul Dano played Brian Wilson and The Riddler. Predicate logic? He's just wearing a shirt.
Post 05:
Assuming I return to Dr. Garrett who I do Zoom video psychiatric sessions with, aside from that, I discussed with my mother unhooking the internet for now to keep me off social media because I'm addicted like a gambling addiction and make reckless impulsive decisions constantly.
Post 06:
My parents probably should have intervened, unhooked the internet, or limited my internet access back in 2017/2018... But they didn't. We can't change the past. Hopefully, not too much masochistic self-destruction happened. We can start today in February 2023 by unhooking it.
Post 07:
Assuming the person at the gym in the "Guess?" t-shirt was just some random nobody. It's predicate logic. Something that has nothing to do with me. But if it was a clue, if there is a "The Riddler" (Batman), who is my secret admirer? Is it and has it always been Taylor Swift?
Post 08:
At home, I'm PASSIVE. I walk on eggshells. The household is volatile. Chaotic and emotional conversations with my parents can lead to emotional tsunamis where I become EMOTIONAL. I believe she's a monster behind a mask. I don't react aggressive. I post the temper tantrum online.
Post 09:
I need to learn to say, my emotions have calmed down, not "the delusions have passed." When I'm calm I'm able to see reality for what it is - shades of grey. Stop getting anxiety and fear of deception - that she's secretly a bully.
Post 10:
When I'm emotional about my parents, stay off social media. Get out of isolation and solitude. Reach out to people. I isolate and create emotional social media content when my parents get me upset and I internalize.
Post 11:
Try to stop blurring fantasy and reality. Stop getting rapid delusional mood swings going from they love me, to they want to KILL ME in secret, and back to they love me again when my emotions calm down. They're not two-faced. It's shades of grey.
Post 12:
It might be smart to get off social media, to continue to live in the real world, come to groups, try to develop a life, friends, self-esteem, and smile. Sadly, I often cope by posting online which is BAD. It's like a public digital diary in a way or an S.O.S. to be saved.
Post 13:
When I'm getting negative feelings, tell a therapist. At the moment, therapy is a great idea. It might be for the foreseeable future.
Post 14:
Exercising in moderation is healthy too. Don't overdo it like I was from mid-2005 - 2011. But walking for AN HOUR on the treadmill is great. Even overdoing exercise, assuming I was putting enough nutrition into my body, is healthy. I had the Arnold Schwarzenegger heart probably.
Post 15:
Don't catastrophize my parents were conspiring with my psychopharmacologist to sabotage me, portray me as craziest of crazy, and murder me pharmacologically while creating facade they were helping. It's an emotional tsunami. Nobody was nefarious. There's no evidence cause cancer.
Post 16:
Calm down. Realize no one was INTENTIONALLY trying to give my cancer - "murder me". While I'm not happy about my past, relationships, and I've experienced a lot of suffering. They did want to help. Thinking I was being murdered pharmacologically with cancer is emotional thinking.
Post 17:
After getting screamed at, internalizing, when I get the urge to emotionally post on social media - STOP! Don't be so impulsive. Take a step back. Proceed mindfully. Is the emotional charge true? Perhaps. It's it literally true? No. It makes me look like the crazy one.
Post 18:
Financial dependency on a partner, or for me my mother, means I can't walk away from her abuse. I have to take it, remain passive, until I have the resources to live independently.
Post 19:
It's important to radically accept the situation and reality as it is. Can family members be challenging? Yes. Either accept them. Or work towards getting away from them. Don't catastrophize and say my chains are maternal, not internal. My chains are how my mind works.
Post 20:
The difference between acceptance and approval. There are some girlfriends my mother might approve of me dating because she likes them herself. However, there's others she might not like, she accepts the relationship, but doesn't actually like who I'm dating.
Post 21:
If I'm feeling sad, angry, afraid, stop turning to social media. Maybe watch a comedy or happy movie, go to the gym, really anything to get off social media because I'm ADDICTED.
Post 22:
A letter to mom,
Even if you weren't intentionally trying to kill me, I feel your lack of intervention led to me getting sick and could've killed me over, and over, and over again. I realize I need to take responsibility for my life. But I wish you'd at least accept some fault.
Although I can be a fault sometimes, you never accept when you're. You tell me how to feel and gaslight me into thinking everything is because I'm mentally ill.
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