Post 01:
The things I officially know to be true and lived are really bad. I suspect there's many even worse things that are being kept secret. When I find out, calmly handle what's being revealed in a mature way. Don't get emotional. I could have a bright future. Don't throw it away.
Post 02:
I think they're setting me up to be like Stone Cold Steve Austin. There's a rich and very successful person, who I don't even know is my arch nemesis - he'll / she'll be like Vince McMahon. They were planning to do the working man / disabled guy versus the billionaire storyline.
Post 03:
Doing sensationalistic wrestling was the plan initially. Apparently, I'm telling the story my own way, "completely wrong", even though my story is true. How they wanted to tell it would be like sensationalistic pro wrestling. The way I'm telling it is more heartbreaking.
Post 04:
Let's put it this way, I complain about billionaire men who are 35, dating 21-year-olds, but I'm self-righteous. There are some cute 21-year-old women out there. If a woman showed interest in me, I'd show interest back. She might be immature in comparison, but I'm a single man.
Post 05:
I can't expect billionaires and the 1% to be involuntarily celibate for years like I was, even people in the middle and lower class are having sex. I was just descending into madness in solitude while everybody else was enjoying life. It's unfortunate. Everyone had a life but me.
Post 06:
IF Owen Hart is my biological father and the Star Wars thing was his idea initially, it's horrible he died the way he did and that I'll never get to meet him. Or is this suspicions becoming true?
Post 07:
Let's say I do meet a potential romantic partner, my blood work is clean I was never at risk. Should I reveal I took prep for a month in Jan 2020 due to a panic attack over stepping on something? Or never even bring it up? It's kinda a tricky situation. I'll ask my psychiatrist.
Post 08:
I remember my mom was traumatized from the den being painted "whorehouse pink" as she described it, where she had to sleep during the divorce.
Post 09:
Many years later they were doing construction on the house. To sound sophisticated, she asked the construction workers to paint the room "white with a hint of rose." Basically, she wanted it painted white. But you know her pretentiousness got the room painted "whorehouse pink."
Post 10:
The construction worker said to my mom, "this is the color you asked for." But because she was traumatized from the divorce. She made them repaint the den white.
Post 11:
Maybe I should have more sympathy for my mother and the "whorehouse pink" den mistake. My old bedroom was painted blue. I'm traumatized from that. But nobody cares. They just painted my apartment blue without even giving me an option. But she is providing me with a place to live.
Post 12:
My mother was gaslighting me and it feels like she was intentionally trying to kill me while creating the facade she wasn't. Assuming the emotional charge is true, but it's not literally true. All my positive memories about my parents, assuming there are some, are painted black.
Post 13:
My father (Robert Koloski), who I suspect isn't my biological father, though, they don't OFFICIALLY tell me that, made a metaphor about a tomato plant. I basically told him: I don't want the responsibility to water and take care of it. If you want to do it, fine. I don't want to.
Post 14:
I was bullied in middle and high school, they're the sadistic persecutors who INTENTIONALLY wanted to hurt me. I became anxious and agoraphobic. Some people are able to get past in college by practicing their social skills. I wasted my life, became ill in a solitary fantasyland.
Post 15:
I was an anxious, emotional, and timid kid. Although getting physically bullied at school is traumatizing. Getting repeatedly verbally bullied and never developing your social skills is worse in many ways. In reality, my parents weren't trying to hurt me, the kids at school were.
Post 16:
The typical symptoms I experience of my diagnosis is blurring fantasy and reality - also known as delusions. That's usually the biggest "red flag" problem that everyone notices, not being in touch with reality.
Post 17:
Frustration from isolation then punching a wall (mood disorder) is problematic too.
Post 18:
The earliest symptoms of mental illness I remember having is running all day long and isolating when I was 18-years-old. I obviously had control issues, an eating disorder, was a perfectionist. This was self-destructive and went on for YEARS with no intervention.
Post 19:
Recently, I'm not a danger to myself or others. I DID NOT need the psychiatric hospital in my opinion. I was talking loudly, isolating, behaving reckless. My psychiatrist thought the hospital was necessary. I respect him and his opinion. Though, I disagree. It was a wake up call.
Post 20:
The most disturbing or irritating symptom is thinking loved ones are deceiving monsters behind a mask. They're actually trying to kill me in secret, while pretending to help.
Post 21:
Try to remember my parents and friends love me. Getting rapid delusional mood swings about people - from emotional tsunamis - confuses people and affects meaningful relationships. Most people are not an angel. Also, they're not Satan. It's shades of grey.
Post 22:
I was isolating at home. Thought my ticket to freedom, riches, and fame was social media posts. Did my parents need to intervene? Yes. But nobody was holding me at gunpoint and forcing to pour my life down the drain. It was my decision.
Post 23:
Usually in the mornings I'm chipper and happy. I'm ready to face the day in a positive way. It's the night time where I become frustrated and emotional. Maybe shut off the phone. Don't obsess, don't go on rants on social media, and go to bed
Post 24:
It's important you don't use friends as your therapist. They might have good intentions and might not be leading you down a dark path. But they're not trained medical professionals. Talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist, not some guy who lives in your neighborhood.
Post 25:
Anxiety, lack of social skills, financial, dependency are my biggest barriers. It prevents me from having a life, friends, and living in the real world. Confront this by fighting through the anxiety, getting out of solitude, and having a life. Have fun. My chains are internal.
Post 26:
My mom wasn't trying to kill me. She feels sick regarding me. She made so many bad decisions in hindsight. Knows it. It almost couldn't be worse. Well, I don't have cancer yet. But she knows all my feelings for her are black. But she thought she was making the right decision.
Post 27:
I'm getting bad headaches and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the Depakote or the weather? Obviously, I catastrophe brain cancer. I went to a neurologist last year, got an MRI, nothing was noticed. Solitude is very unhealthy. Hopefully, it goes away.
Post 28:
The people I get the angriest at are my parents. They can scream at me, and act like my dependency is burdensome while I USUALLY remain passive. For years, I used to be home all day long with an irritable elderly couple. However, lately, I've been in solitude.
Post 29:
They say "familiarity breeds contempt." I was solitary, had no friends, no girlfriend, was dependent, and extremely frustrated. When I'd get yelled at sometimes I'd go into emotional tsunamis thinking my parents were the bane of my existence. It's very sad but they truly love me.
Post 30:
The key is to get independent and be thankful they're providing me with a place to live. I'm not "living the dream", but it could be worse. I could be homeless or living with a low-functioning roommate who I hate. Though, when my mother passes away I can't afford to live here.
Post 31:
It's ok to feel sad and not turn everything into one big joke. Mental illness is very sad. I've suffered tremendously. People in recovery groups can be emotionally triggered by mental illness jokes, and not find them funny because they've gone through hell.
Post 32:
I can behave sensationalistic like a comedy pro-wrestling character. That does not mean the man behind the gimmick isn't a real person who's been through hell. Green Bunny is fiction, an absurd joke. In real life, maybe the gallows humor, laughing at a bad situation isn't funny?
Post 33:
Maybe it's not funny. Don't behave like a sensationalistic buffoon if you've suffered tremendously. I cope through laughter, by turning everything into one big joke. Some people can't laugh at mental illness. Maybe I have to behave more seriously. Maybe I need to cry.
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