Feeling Uneasy

I'm feeling a little uneasy, frustrated, depressed. I'm not sure how to describe what I'm feeling... But I'm in pain and can't stand the way things are.

I'm living the same solitary day over, and over again. Eating trash. Frustrated by the isolation.

I guess I can change that by getting involved in the world. Getting socially engaged. I hate NYC. Maybe go back to the fountain house.

There's no real dangers at the moment. I just feel like I've been solitary for my whole life and can't take it. I want a life and to be socially engaged. Realize there's nothing dangerous except for my thoughts.

Everything is alright. My mind is playing tricks on me. There's no danger. I'm just in a frustrated emotional tsunami because I feel I've been alone for my whole life and want to be socially engaged and having fun like everyone else.

Sometimes when I get so frustrated by solitude I'll do something destructive like going on a delusional rant on social media or punching the dry wall, but I'll try to calm down. Don't get emotional. Things are getting better. I have friends. Am making progress socially. It's ok.

They act like I need more psychiatric medication anyone would be coming unglued from sitting in what feels like solitary confinement day after day, month after month, year after year. I need to get SOCIALLY ENGAGED, not get a chemical lobotomy while this nightmare continues.

My chains are internal, not maternal. No one is holding me at gunpoint in solitary confinement. I'm choosing to sit alone in my room and pour my life down the drain. Stop blaming my elderly parents. It's my responsibility to change my life. Take accountability. Live my life.