Even if the HIV scare wasn't premeditated torture and even if it was an accident... It really fucked me up and made me feel defective and damaged. It changed my personality so I don't trust anyone anymore. It's fucking horrible.
Enough with the bullshit. There's obviously a hidden reality about the HIV scare. Everyone suspects it's true - there's just no evidence. I don't need "clozaril". I need them to stop lying to and gaslighting me. I'm not "delusional". Clearly something fishy was going on back then.
It's not a feeling of conviction about something I suspect is true (a DELUSION). It's very fishy. They were probably gaslighting me about HIV, if not more than that. It's pretty obvious too. Unlike a stolen shovel which I later had evidence was stolen - there's no shovel here.
The truth is they probably gaslit me into having an HIV scare with PREMEDITATED INTENT and if they ever tell me I'll be ENRAGED. But it's been four years - no one has confirmed or corroborated my SUSPICIONS. Move on and talk about the progress I'm making. They may never tell me.
I'm obsessed with getting the truth from these monsters. I feel defective and damaged. I don't want to socially engage with anyone. I'm dead inside. However, the key to recovery is developing interpersonal relationships, finding love and happiness, not being obsessed with revenge.
I feel like they're all lying to and gaslighting me. I feel betrayed, humiliated, turned into a laughingstock by EVERYONE. I want to isolate like a dying animal. But like they say, before you embark and a journey for revenge DIG TWO GRAVES. Meaning, it'll ruin my life too.
Even if the hidden reality is bad - which it certainly is. The key to recovery is to leave my solitary Fantasyland, get socially engaged, and find love and happiness. The problem is the happy and naive version of myself is gone and I feel DEAD INSIDE. I don't trust anyone anymore.
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