Depressed

I'm not suicidal. I'm just so sad. So dead inside. I'm walking around not wanting to socially engage, not allowing myself to feel love, I feel betrayed and hurt by everyone. I'm going on a date today. I couldn't care less. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I want to disappear.

I wasn't this depressed in late 2019 and I was bad then. I was a vulnerable mental patient who needed help back then. But I still smiled, trusted, and felt love. Now I'm like a wounded animal who just wants to succumb to his injuries. I guess fake it until you make it?

Maybe if I start to socially engage, I might wake up one day and realize, okay I'm happy again. Just got out of solitary confinement. Fake it. Eventually I'll be happy again. Maybe some of my best days are ahead of me. I don't have to be dead inside.

I'm back from my date, I'm much less depressed. I don't know how you'd classify it. Are we dating? Or are just friends getting lunch? Regardless, she's nice and cute, we had a nice time. I like her.

In a way, I don't want to let go of Kelly. But it's been over two years and she isn't even giving me the time of day anymore. She's made it clear she's moved on. Believe the face value of what she's telling me. Move on from Kelly.

Should I let this woman into my life? Should I start to classify us as dating?

I'm having fun getting lunch as "just friends"... I'm reluctant to classify us as "dating."