Kelly (Had Sex)
My Email:
Mon, Nov 25, 2019, 1:00 PM
I'm 32 years old but haven't had much sexual experience. I haven't had a girlfriend or meaningful socialization in YEARS until I met Kelly a few months ago at the Fountain House. She's 45 years old, but we started getting close, things began developing slowly, and last Sunday, I became intimate with Kelly. She performed oral sex on me.
This Sunday (yesterday), we got sensual and romantic. We lit candles around my apartment, had a nice dinner, made coffee. We both performed oral sex on each other, and I had unprotected sex with her (since I didn't have a condom).
At first, I wasn't able to get an erection due to the mega regimen of psych meds, but found the viagra in my medicine cabinet 100 mg (that Dr. Coplan prescribed a few months ago), and succeeded. Though, not much fluid came out. We still need to address this.
It was magical, euphoric, but both had a great time. But I became concerned when she told me she's had over 10 partners, crazy exes and experiences.
She showed me her HIV/AIDS test from a few years ago. It was negative. She said it was a few months after her last relationship, and she hasn't had sex since them. But I'm also concerned about hepatitis, and other STD's. She says she's clean.
I was going to let it go. But I told my mom about what we did last night, and she's hysterical and freaking out. Telling me she needs to get tested, I need to get tested. But I love and trust Kelly. I want to take her at her word.
Lastly, she bought Plan B this morning so she doesn't have a pregnancy (the pharmacy was closed last night). I have to give her money for that tomorrow. And we're gonna go ice skating and have a nice, romantic day
Did I make a mistake? Should I get tested 3 months from now, then 3 months after?
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Mon, Nov 25, 2019, 1:21 PM
Andrew
If Kelly is trustworthy, and it appears she is, I think there is little reason to worry. However, now that you have become sexually active, you need to direct your concerns and receive advice from your general practitioner, who can advise you about risk, preventive measures, lab test time frames, and so on.
Dr G
My Email:
Mon, Nov 25, 2019, 6:01 PM
Thanks, Dr. Garrett.
Kelly told me she's clean, and I believe Kelly's trustworthy. In fact, she sees I won't stop obsessing and even offered to get tested together to ease my mind. I probably won't do it because the subject seems to upset her. I'll get tested in a few months (alone) and will talk to a general practitioner.
My Content
My Email:
Tue, Nov 26, 2019, 9:33 PM
My content is loud, in your face, but most importantly complete gold. It's better than everything on TV, better than everything in Hollywood, and it's only a matter of time before I go viral. This is not a delusion of grandeur, and if you disagree I'll prove you wrong pretty soon.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Wed, Nov 27, 2019, 8:20 AM
I look forward to the proof.
Appointment and Kelly
My Email:
Mon, Dec 2, 2019, 11:20 AM
Dr. Garrett, we DON'T have an appointment tomorrow - December 3rd, right?
We resume - December 10th - right?
___
I see Dr. Coplan this Wednesday, and I wanted to discuss reducing some medication due to the adverse side effects since I've been doing so well lately.
___
I had sex with Kelly again yesterday, struggled with erections even after taking Viagra 100mg.
Since I couldn't stay hard with the condom, we had unprotected sex.
Although she's had quite a few partners and wild experiences. She said she's clean, hasn't had sex in years. And I believed and trusted her.
After sex, she started sharing horror stories about her ex-husband in another country. This triggered delusions.
I start to think: why does she have these sexy clothes that she's wearing today?
Why does she get so many blood tests?
Why have I never been to her house? Why is her life a secret?
Is she lying to me?
Is she a prostitute?
She told me this was a delusion/fantasy. But obviously now I'm afraid I have something like HIV/AIDS.
Now I'm afraid that I was so desperate for a friend that I threw my life away. :(
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Mon, Dec 2, 2019, 1:31 PM
Unless the bus line I take cancels service tomorrow, which is unlikely, I expect to be at work, and see you at 12 noon as usual. The following week I think we are planning a family meeting.
If I am NOT going to be able to make it, I will notify you by 7 am tomorrow.
HIV/AIDS
My Email:
Tue, Dec 10, 2019, 11:22 PM
I'm feeling sick, like I'm coming down with a virus, cold, or the flu - and I NEVER get sick. I read that's one of the early signs of acquiring HIV/AIDS.
I'm becoming afraid did Kelly not know she had it? Or worse, did she lie to me?
Then my imagination starts to run wild. Is Kelly a prostitute who is having wild sex on the sly - and I'm a naive, broken moron?
Was I so desperate for a friend that I threw my life away and acquired it?
Then I get angry at my parents and "friends" from the past for letting this happen.
I need to STOP and not let my imagination run wild. They're bad people in the world, yes. And Kelly did have some crazy past experiences. But she showed me her results from a few years ago. And Kelly seems trustworthy and kind.
Obviously, I can't mention this to her. Last time I brought this up (and imagined she was a prostitute), I really upset her.
But now I'm feeling sick and I'm obsessing.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Wed, Dec 11, 2019, 6:17 AM
Andrew
As we discussed in our session, by your own account, your girlfriend seems a sensitive, truthful person who would not want to hurt you. Also as we discussed, your fantasies and fears have a way of seeming like reality, no matter how far fetched they are; e.g. your thought that she might actually be a man who had a sex-change operation, deceiving you that she is a woman. There is no evidence for this. The evidence is clearly otherwise. For example, her patterns of physiological arousal (lubrication) during sex are typical of female arousal, but not male arousal.
As I did in a previous email, if your are concerned about HIV and other STDs, I would suggest you make an appointment with your general practitioner to discuss the medical aspects of your concerns - what should be done, if anything, in the way of lab tests, and so on.
Dr G
Dr. Coplan Reply:
Wed, Dec 11, 2019, 11:15 AM
You are getting a regular virus. Your imagination is running wild.
Dr. Coplan Reply:
Wed, Dec 11, 2019, 11:26 AM
Agree with Dr G. Kelly has not shown any indication of deceiving you and is presenting herself with positive intentions. Your mistrust of her is is not unlike the mistrust of your parents, both of whom you believe have malevolent intent towards you which is conducted without your knowledge. That’s the sense I get. However, Kelly will be and has been very insulted by insinuations that she has had a checkered past.
My Email:
Dec 11, 2019, 12:45 PM
Thanks, Dr. Coplan and Dr. Garrett, your messages quelled my negative thoughts.
schedule change
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Wed, Dec 18, 2019, 11:57 AM
Andrew
Looking at my schedule, and considering that much of the hospital will be at half-staffing, I have decided to take a vacation day next week on Tuesday, Dec 24. So, I will not be able to see you then.
Try to have a nice Christmas. Try to recall the blessings you have rather than dwell on your frustrations.
Dr G
My Email:
Wed, Dec 18, 2019, 12:11 PM
I'm actually glad you cancelled on me. It turns out my dad/Grandma is having Christmas Eve, so I was about to cancel on you. But now I can blame you (slightly joking).
I hope you have a nice Christmas and holiday season as well. I'll see you after the holidays.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Thu, Dec 19, 2019, 11:16 AM
Andrew
Since I will not be at the hospital New Years Eve, I have had to rearrange my day schedule for Dec 31. I am hoping you can come at 10 am instead of noon. As I am sure you know, 10 am is a perfectly respectable morning appointment hour for a man out and about in the real world. I hope to see you Dec 31 at 10 am.
Dr G
My Email:
Dec 19, 2019, 11:39 AM
Remember, my commute is over an hour - possibly two. I'd have to wake up very early. And I plan on staying out until midnight with friends from Fountain House. So let's cancel New Year's Eve. Have a great Christmas, new years, holiday season, and we'll resume in 2020.
Hopefully, 2020 will be the year where my life turns around for the better. But it's not going to manically happen. I have to do it.
My Email:
Dec 19, 2019, 11:40 AM
Magically happen*
Not manically lol
jail?
My Email:
Tue, Dec 24, 2019, 9:41 PM
Someone I used to know posted a photograph of themselves that looked like a mugshot, then someone else did too - I got predicate logic that it's about me. Are they saying I'm going to jail? Obviously, I'm terrified of that. Most likely I'm reading too much into nothing, right?
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Wed, Dec 25, 2019, 1:03 PM
Yes, definitely predicate logic. Good you thought of that possibility even when the illlusion started to grip you.
Dr G
Re: [EXTERNAL] Re:
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 9:06 AM
Reminding you we are meeting at 10 am today.
My Email:
Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 9:29 AM
I won't be in at 10 am today. I cancelled in a prior email and I thought you were aware. Sorry.
Cancelling today's appointment.
I'm hoping to resume our sessions next Tuesday, January 7th at 12 pm.
I'm going to be out late with Fountain House friends tonight for New Year's Eve.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 9:44 AM
OK Got it. My mistake.
(no subject)
My Email:
Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 9:20 PM
I think Kelly's a psychopath who is trying to give me something like HIV to ruin my life
My Email:
Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 9:31 PM
I think she's two faced. Very smart. She's full of hate and wants to hurt me. I was desperately seeking a friend and she's Ruin my life by giving me HIV.
My Email:
Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 9:42 PM
I don't trust her. I think she is angry that I'm a clean, pretty, nice guy. She is evil and hates me because of my innocence. She wants to use and hurt me. But she's deceiving me. What should I do?
My Email:
Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 9:51 PM
It's like, why did no one help me?! I was so desperate for a friend that I trusted a psychopath who wants to give me something like HIV. I was weak and vulnerable, and no one protected me.
My Email:
Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 10:00 PM
Everything's ok. I'm just not feeling well
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Wed, Jan 1, 2020, 10:13 AM
Andrew
Sadly, in the absence of any concrete evidence that K is HIV +, the thing that is ruining possibilities in your life is your own fearfulness. Your fear can destroy possibilities in life.
Also, it will be a challenge for you to come to terms with two opposite trends in your mind. On the one hand you protest that your mother is too controlling, that you want more independence. Other the other hand, you are angry that she isn't controlling enough, as in why doesn't she dictate who you choose to spend time with to protect you. If she told you (which she did not and never will) that she wants to interview all people you express an interest in, including internet contacts, before you get involved with anyone, I don't see that going very well.
Again, we are back to the growing pains and anxieties you feel as you try to move toward independence. The bullies took sadistic pleasure in frightening you. There is no hard evidence that K takes sadistic pleasure in harming you. Until proven otherwise, as you look out at the real world beyond your room you seem to see monsters hidden behind the face of every person you get serious attached to. Your mind turns frightening daydreams into what you think is reality. Your internal fear does that, not your mother orchestrating your life.
Dr G
My Email:
Wed, Jan 1, 2020, 1:42 PM
Thank you, well put. Your replies are very helpful
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Jan 1, 2020, 7:05 PM
Andrew
Regarding the sharp object you stepped on, are you saying that you pulled it out, looked at it, and you could not tell if it was a needle or not? And by needle, do you mean a hypodermic needle, used in medical situations, which has a hollow core, or a needle like a sewing needle that does not have a solid core?
My Email:
Wed, Jan 1, 2020, 7:21 PM
I was at a lounge and I stepped on a sharp object. It went through my shoe, into my foot. I pulled it out of my shoe and threw it away. It wasn't a screw or a nail. It may have come from the bathroom. It's only afterwards that I realized it might be drug paraphernalia - or maybe not?
I wasn't thinking about how serious this was at the time. Is there a risk of contracting something life-threatening?
My Email:
Wed, Jan 1, 2020, 7:31 PM
It was not a hypodermic needle - it was more like a sewing needle. But the end was bent. I'm afraid it might have snapped off from a hypodermic needle. I honestly don't know what it was, though.
My Email:
Wed, Jan 1, 2020, 7:58 PM
Since I can't relax, I'm going over to urgent care or possibly the emergency room to get assessed.
My Email:
Wed, Jan 1, 2020, 10:21 PM
I'm leaving the emergency room now. They don't think it's anything to worry about. But I'm gonna be taking emtricitabine and raltegravir for a month. Better safe than sorry.
Dr. Coplan Reply:
Jan 2, 2020, 10:55 PM
to me
I really don’t think so...
Panic Attacks - Kelly
My Email:
Sat, Jan 25, 2020, 1:49 PM
I get these intense panic attacks about Kelly. We're best friends, having fun. Then I become afraid she's a sadistic bully behind an innocent mask - she's going to turn evil on me.
For example, we'll be at dinner and I'll get a panic attack she's a sadist that's trying to infect me with HIV. I become horrified, sick to my stomach. It comes, passes, we go back to having fun.
Then the next day something will trigger me. It comes, passes.
The main delusion is she's secretly evil and is trying to give me HIV.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Sat, Jan 25, 2020, 2:35 PM
Andrew
As we have discussed, the chief barrier to your having independent adult relationships is not your mother restraining you, but the way your mind works. When you perceive a sadistic bully behind an innocent mask your mother is nowhere in the picture. It is your mind revisiting your fears of the world. You do a similar thing, but with a desired outcome when you imagine Taylor Swift or Disney is behind the mask of an internet avatar. I will continue to try to help you reign in this tendency to catastrophize and daydream, to help you see the world as it is.
Dr G
My Email:
Sun, Jan 26, 2020, 11:29 AM
Thanks for the email. It was very helpful
horrifying panic attacks
My Email:
Mon, Jan 27, 2020, 8:46 PM
I saw Kelly today and we had sex. Most of the time we're having a nice time and have fun.
But I also get horrifying panic attacks about her, that she's a sadist that's trying to infect me with HIV.
I'm desperate and need a friend. I think she's pretending to be my friend but is really a monster. I'm afraid she's going to break me more than I already am. I'm afraid she's attempting to murder me with HIV.
When she talks about her horrifying past - that triggers me.
She'll say things like, "psychopaths do evil things for no reason" - that triggers me.
OR will say something like "goodnight sweet baby" (through text to wish me goodnight) - is it like her kiss of death?
She gets hurt when I bring it up for the millionth time. She says she's clean. But I can't rest.
I guess it's hard for me getting close to someone, and it's even harder when someone has had a lot of life experiences.
I need to remind myself she is my friend and loves me, it's just horrifying delusion.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Tue, Jan 28, 2020, 6:01 AM
We can discuss this today.
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