Coercive Control (Syd Barrett Conspiracy)
My Email:
Sat, Nov 16, 2019, 5:45 PM
In years past, I didn't know how to put it into words - so I had the "sexual abuse" delusion. Now I have the correct vocabulary, my parents have abused me through coercive control my entire life.
I'm intimated and afraid of my dad (Bob Koloski). And my mom does everything for me, keeping a man-child.
When the emotions overtake me and I snap, I look crazy. They call me "crazy." But it's their abuse that's making me snap.
If you were the victim of intense abuse you'd snap too.
Thankfully, my meds minimize symptoms - but is it like a chemical lobotomy?
Are my parents aware they're abusing me? I believe they're. If so, why don't they change?
I suspect it's because Syd Barrett is my biological father, and flying from my mother's nest (getting independent) would put them in jail. So they keep me as their prisoner in a hellish environment.
Or, is my imagination getting out of control? Yes, my parents abused me through coercive control - but they may not realize they're doing it, and there's no Syd Barrett conspiracy.
Lastly, I realize I need medication. I take my mega regimen EVERY SINGLE DAY. I hope to reduce it with my doctor's at some point. I'll continue to be a good boy. It's just frustrating hearing friends talk about being on minimal meds, and feeling like I have a chemical lobotomy - with so many adverse side effects.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Sun, Nov 17, 2019, 7:44 AM
Andrew
We have discussed what I am about to say in our sessions many times, but I thought I would approach the issue from a different angle to make the same point again, to try to get through to you.
The famous mathematician Mobius is said to have conducted a demonstration with a fish tank in his university class. The tank was divided into two chambers by a clear pane of glass. Mobius at first located the fish in the chamber on the right side and left them to swim around inside their chamber for several weeks. Then, in front of the class, he removed the clear glass divider between the two chambers. The fish swam up to the point where the barrier had once been, and circled back into their familiar world of the right side of the tank. At first, they did not venture beyond the mid-line of the tank, as though they were held back by an invisible wall, but eventually they grew accustomed to the wider world available to them, and they moved out into the whole tank.
I am sure you already see the comparison I aim to make between your situation and the living circumstances of the fish. There is a whole real world out there available to you (the left side of the tank). You struggle to leave your room (the right side of the tank) proclaiming that your parents have constructed a barrier between you and the outside world, making it near impossible for you to grow up. The invisible glass barrier that separates you from adult life is not the nefarious activity of your parents, but your own fear of living in the real world. Your anxiety is your glass wall. The opposite of your claim, I have heard your mother say in family meetings many times that she wants you to take more responsibility for yourself, but that you decline to do so, leaving tasks you could do yourself for her to complete.
We all engage in wishful thinking and daydreaming to imagine a world more in keeping with our emotional needs. You are daydreaming a world in which you are imprisoned by your parents to avoid looking within and coming to terms with your own anxiety. Your story that your parents are essentially prison guards postpones your recovery. The clock is ticking for you to gain your independence. In the end, this daydream wastes your time. In your daydream you implicitly imagine that were your mother-jailer to cease her "coercive control" you would soar like a bird escaped from its cage, off to the wonderful life of a comedic genius in Hollywood. In this daydream story you preserve the idea that you are already in possession, in your personality, of all the tools you need for independent adult living. In your daydream story this imagined already-existent capacity will automatically be released when your mother stops enslaving you. This version of events makes her the problem, not your own anxiety. The painful truth is, if something were to happen to your mother, you would not automatically become a liberated adult, but more likely would be terrified.
Once, when you were in grade school, you were persecuted, by the bullies. They bullies are long gone from your life. There is no holding them to account. You will not be rescued by Taylor Swift, Disney, or some rock star who is really your biological father. You must deal with the life you have been given. The people trying to help you include your parents (though you question this, as outlined above), Dr Coplan, me, and others. You have made real gains stepping out into the real world at Fountain House. I am hoping you can keep to the real task of facing your anxiety.
Dr Natural
My Email:
Nov 17, 2019, 11:33 AM
Thanks for the e-mail, Dr Garrett,
You did a beautiful job summarizing how my anxiety keeps me prisoner, and I create a fantasy world and blame my parents, but it's really anxiety keeping me prisoner. If my mom went away, I'd be terrified. I must remove the glass wall and begin to swim on the other side of the tank (the larger world) before it's too late.
On a lighter note, I've been going to the Fountain House very often recently, we even worked on a media resume (which I've attached). So while it's not peaches and cream, it's not complete doom and gloom as well.
I've also been creating a lot of videos and working on my screenplay with friends. And a friend is coming over my house in Long Island today. But I'm not going to lie, if not for her, I probably wouldn't be as motivated to go to FH.
I'll see you Tuesday, November 19, at 12 pm for our weekly appointment. Right? Should we do a family meeting?
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Nov 17, 2019, 7:10 PM
See you Tuesday. It's up to you if you want to do a family meeting. Maybe best to come alone, but plan a family meeting for Dec 3?
No comments:
Post a Comment