Monster Behind A Mask
My Email:
Tue, Jan 28, 2020, 3:18 PM
For all intents and purposes, I've had no friends growing up. The past three years were spent socially isolated, in an internet fantasyland.
Lately, I've been making progress socially, meeting friends at recovery groups in NYC.
A common terrifying panic attack I get, which hurts my ability to have meaningful relationships, is the "monster behind a mask" thoughts.
I fear kind and loving people, who love me - are going to turn into sadistic evil people. Meaning, they're pretending to be my friend but are actually looking to sabotage me.
The panic can be so horrifying I become sick to my stomach, can't eat, or function. Then it passes.
I'm told this stems from getting bullied in middle and high school, and even in my adulthood online.
People pretended to be my friend, duped me, but were getting sadistic pleasure from my suffering.
I need to remind myself the world isn't full of sadistic psychopaths. There're genuine and good people who won't harm me. They aren't wearing a mask.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Tue, Jan 28, 2020, 5:14 PM
Good summary.
Yoga
My Email:
Tue, Feb 4, 2020, 5:25 PM
A friend bought me a yoga membership for beginners. So I'm doing yoga for the first time tonight. If I didn't have anxiety and panic attacks, I'd love it and probably still will.
But I rarely get out of the house and have suffered from mental illness for years. I'm afraid everyone will see me as a damaged freak and view me in a critical way. I laughed with my doctor about the yoga studio full of bullies narrative since it's absurd. It's not unrealistic to think there may be a judgemental person or two, but not EVERYONE.
If I don't panic like a deer caught in headlights the entire time, it'll be nice and people will be more into their exercise anyway.
I'm 32 years old and I should've been living life. Instead, middle and high school bullies resulted in social isolation and living in a fantasyland.
Throughout the years, there were so many yoga-like opportunities I should've done. Sadly, I wasted my life afraid.
Thankfully since my friend bought this membership for me, I must go. I'll try behaving confident, and not like a socially anxious freak.
I'm getting butterflies already. I'm trying to tell myself I have a cold, but I'm fine. I'll just go and enjoy myself.
It's in a little over an hour.
Updates coming soon.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Tue, Feb 4, 2020, 5:48 PM
Andrew
Get out there and enjoy the class!
Dr G
My Email:
Tue, Feb 4, 2020, 9:35 PM
I just completed Ashtanga Yoga for the first time. It was a positive experience.
A good workout that was great for the body and mind. My arms, legs, and abdomen are sore (in a good way).
I was quickly learning the poses through repetition.
Nice people. No bullies.
There were about 7 or 8 people in the class. I was the only guy. That's a good thing. However, attractive women often give me internal panic and I have difficulty focusing and concentrating on the instructor. How do I get over this? This seems like a High School and College problem I should've outgrown by now.
I have 6 more sessions. I will do more yoga soon.
Dr. Garrett Reply:
Tue, Feb 4, 2020, 9:37 PM
So far so good. Glad you had a positive experience.
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